Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease: PSA: sex does not have to be enjoyable to be consensual.
I’ll be a fool and bite, but unlike last time I’m going to try to get all of my thoughts into one concise post because I am not having a huge debate over this because the whole concept is stomach-churning to me.
We should not live in a society where it’s considered empowering or any sort of commendable exercise of our agency to reduce ourselves to sexual objects. I was not comparing her to an object in the sense that I see her as an object, I was pointing out that the partners of people like this see their asexual partners as objects.
Actually, no, YOU and other objectors here are the only one so far who has reduced me to an object. You are the ones who have described me like this. You are the ones who have assumed no partner could ever see us as anything but. Please do not make assumptions about any partners of mine, or other asexuals, whether real or hypothetical. You’re making a lot of unfounded assumptions here.
If the asexual partner is, in effect, staring vacantly at the ceiling as the sexual partner goes to town on their body solely for their own pleasure, there is no way on God’s green earth I will be convinced that this sexual partner does not see the asexual as an object of their own sexual gratification. If you can fuck someone who’s faking an orgasm without a twinge of guilt, you absolutely do have issues with seeing your partner as an object. The asexual partner has become a masturbatory object for the sexual partner. That’s tragic, sickening, and indefensible.
Again, you seem to have a very overactive and honestly rather disturbing imagination, because - for me at least, the only person I was ever even talking about - this is so completely not even close to what would probably be happening. I’m not going to be staring vacantly at the ceiling, or faking orgasms I’m not having, or doing anything I actually find actively unpleasant. Despite what you may think I’m not an idiot. And I really don’t need your misguided “pity”. I’d prefer your respect, but that seems to be difficult.
Actually here’s some more fodder to confuse your preconceptions even more - I happen to like kink! I’m interested more in the nonsexual side, but if someone wanted to involve sex in a scene, I might be into that (with proper negotiation beforehand). I may not get any particular pleasure from the sex, but I would enjoy the fact that they enjoy it, and I would also be actively enjoying other parts of the scene perhaps. And if my partner has any sense, they will understand that. And if they don’t have any sense, well, they probably won’t be my partner.
It is not comparable to other activities where one partner simply isn’t into it. Say I don’t like football, but I decide to sit down and watch the Superbowl with my best friend because I know it means a lot to them. I’m offering my time and interaction freely and of my own accord, but I haven’t been physically used or objectified for the pleasure of my football-watching friend. The enjoyment comes from the third party activity. However, the enjoyment of sex with a consenting but uninterested partner explicitly comes from using the body of that person for physical pay-off. It’s certainly not coming from showing the ace a good time, and it isn’t coming from a third-party source like a television program or a walk in the park. The payoff of fucking an uninterested but consenting asexual is using their body as a masturbatory aid like a living sex doll.
ugh, that metaphor again. You do realize that the act of sex doesn’t have to be dirty and evil and full of objectification, right? Also maybe this is my ego speaking but I like to think I’d be way better than some plastic sex doll :P
People don’t think this is goofed up. I don’t even get it. Does that mean these same people think it’s fair to have sex with your non-ace partner, finish yourself off, leave them unfulfilled, and walk off? Is it cool for women to have to have to fake orgasms? Is it cool for a lesbian to consent to sex with a man and be uninterested and probably uncomfortable for the duration? Is it cool for a gay man to consent to marry a woman and have sex, raise kids, live together for years with neither of them ever enjoying a minute of it? Should we be fostering MORE relationships where one person profits from the use of another person’s body without any kind of enthusiastic reciprocation?
Ok, seriously, I think the problem here is that you are reading waaaay too much into this. You are reading a lifetime of suffering into something that could be as simple as two people deciding to have sex, deciding they didn’t like how it went, and never doing it again. Should we be fostering relationships of abuse? no. BUT THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT I’M TRYING TO TALK ABOUT HERE. (this is what’s known as setting up strawman arguments)
Just because the other person consents doesn’t make it morally right to fuck them. Aces shouldn’t have to think they need to consent to sex and let themselves be used like that. Partners should understand that aces don’t want to fuck them and not be selfish, objectifying pigs. If they can’t handle the idea of a sexless relationship why even GET with an ace? Stop the indignant rage at someone “attacking rights to agency” and read between the lines, people, goodness gracious. It isn’t healthy to have sex you’re uninvested in and be used by another person like that.
…have you even read anything I’ve said? You’ve obviously made some very big (and erroneous) assumptions about my motivations and experiences, and the motivations of my possible partners.
Has everyone here missed the fact that I actively do want to try sex, even if I might not enjoy it for the physical pleasure alone? Also, for the record, this is just me - I don’t currently have a partner pressuring me into anything. This is all on me. Stop trying to vilify some hypothetical partner for the decisions that I myself have made.
Also, you need to stop projecting things onto this situation that aren’t even there. Maybe you would never have sex if you were an asexual. Maybe you consider sex to be degrading and objectifying. If so, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex if you were in a situation like this.
But the thing is, you are not me. Your desires are not my desires, your fears are not my fears. You need to stop projecting your own hangups onto my situation.
Also, as a bit of a side note - for anyone following and contributing to this conversation, I have a question: how many of you are actually asexual or have been the partner of one? And how many of you are just going off wild guesses of what it might be like?
And for those who prefer actually knowing my opinions instead of making assumptions, I can totally open question and answer time. My ask box is open and I can respond after I get dinner.
I’m basically just reblogging everything you say at this point because you’re being very eloquent.
I’m really sorry people are being so terrible to you.